I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
