There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
