I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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