Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
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