idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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