Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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