woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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