life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
