Three words: puerto rican gang bang
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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