Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize