best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
What a dumb baby whore.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
