he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
