that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
