John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
