Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't deserve a penis
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
