just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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