to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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