don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
