My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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