My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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