I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
