Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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