My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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