So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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