I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
