I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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