It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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