If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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