I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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