Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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