Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
