My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
