i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
