My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
