Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
