I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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