how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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