At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
