3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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