i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
