so explain again why im purple
no
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
