Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
