That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
