my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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