just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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