We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
