I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
