Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
