You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
