Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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