If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
