I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
