we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
