hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
