I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
