So drunk its hurt
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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