I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
