My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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