but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
