so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
